DHS: South Sudan Deportations A Lot More Humane When You Learn What Stephen Miller Wanted To Do

WASHINGTON—Describing the plan it went ahead with as “absolutely toothless” by comparison, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Thursday saying the deportation of migrants to South Sudan seemed a lot more humane once you knew what White House adviser Stephen Miller had wanted to do. “Critics can argue that deporting migrants from Vietnam, Myanmar, and Cuba to the war-torn nation of South Sudan qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment, but my God, if you had heard Stephen Miller’s 12-point plan for physically and mentally abusing these people, you’d want to give us the Nobel Peace Prize,” said DHS spokesman Dylan Fontano, claiming that the barbarity of forcibly removing migrants to countries with which they have no connection had to be weighed against the horrific and depraved drawings and blueprints that Miller had initially presented to the agency. “Quite frankly, when we heard what Stephen wanted to do, many of us vomited. We tried talking him out of some of his more ghoulish suggestions, but he stormed out of the room, furious that the migrants would remain alive and there would be no corpses to desecrate. All I’ll say is just be glad our immigration policy doesn’t involve hedge clippers or a jury-rigged car battery.” At press time, a more open DHS was said to be revisiting many of Stephen Miller’s most grisly proposals.